I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
