He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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