when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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