I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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