Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
