Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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