"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
