I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
