Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
