I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
