just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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