I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
