I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to calm my uterus...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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