can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
