Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
