I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
