I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
