Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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