i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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