then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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