I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
