Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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