wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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