after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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