I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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