I just saw a hot homeless man
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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