you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
