On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
