i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
