I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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