I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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