It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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