In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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