i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
