Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
