Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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