I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You ruined the universe
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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