If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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