Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
