I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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