In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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