rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
