There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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