omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im six kinds of drunk right now
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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