I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
