Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
