cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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