....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
