Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
