Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
