I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
