She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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