I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
