i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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