Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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